This journal entry is just me...venting...I don't do that a whole lot so, bear with me.
For the past few days, I've been hanging out with two of my closes friends. Well, while at one house, the other needed me, so being me, I rushed over to him. I ended up staying the night because he needed me. Here's what's absolutely wrong with this...I love him. I've loved him for 5 years now and he's still so oblivious to it. I'd give my life for him, and as of recently, I have been. It's routine I text him at least three times a day; good morning, I love you, and goodnight. Usually a conversation starts up somewhere, but if it doesn't, that's what I stick to. His energy...it's falling apart and it seems every time we hang out, he's usually fine in the end. But, God, when he first gets here or we're just texting...you'd swear his life was ending and his energy just screams it out, that he's in pain. I want so badly to take it all away from him, make him feel joy again. I mean, I can at times, if only for a split moment, but a split moment isn't enough.
Here's the other part. When we're talking, he'll say things like "I love you," or "if there was anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, it'd be you," or "I need you." Well, today we went over to my other friend's house and...he instantly saw a dream in her. This was their first time meeting, mind you. Seeing her, with her daughter, happy and enjoying themselves, he told me that it's like he saw a dream in front of him and he couldn't have it. He's always wanted to be with someone with a kid, to be a part of a family. It stabbed into me... All my life, I've always been second best next to her. Then it happens again with someone so dear to me. It hurts, and it eats at me. Part of me, in that instant, screamed 'What do I have to do? Have a child of my own? Will you want me to be yours then? What do you want from me!!'
Ugh... I hate it. I hate love... but without it, I feel empty, like a hollow shell... Without the love for him, for her, and one other so dear to me...I'd be a walking corpse. I need him...he can't see it, but it's true. Every day! It's every day I sit and talk to him, letting him vent, giving him a place to go when he needs someone, just wants someone. I saw him cry...I've seen him laugh...I've been there when he was so stoned he couldn't function, when he was so drunk he didn't recognize reality.
He was there when I was suicidal, when all I wanted to do was die and forget the world existed. We've been there for each other...but perhaps I'm cursed to just  be.... well that. His diary. A place for him to vent. His personal Black Rose Diary... I'm okay with that...kind of...not really. I want to be so much more than that, but what more can I do? I can't make him love me like I love him... UGH!!
Forever a diary with torn pages, words stuck together, and doodles in the margins...